I have used the word "control" a lot this week. Usually coupled with the word "illusion." There are so many pieces of my life lately where I have been carefully putting all the trusses in place, meticulously making to-do lists and plans. I have been living in this dichotomy where I know control is not mine, but all of my efforts to control what I can have been feeding the illusion that I am able to exercise control. I have been trying to mitigate risks on my own but it has only added to my worry and anxiety. So, this morning when I started stressing about something which I have tried to control, but ultimately can't, I finally had the right idea. I cannot control this, but I know the One who can. And so I sat down to pray about it and immediately had a "holy breakdown." This is where things are right: when I take my requests to the Creator of all things in prayer. When I admit I do not want the burden of ensuring outcomes, I am meant to rest easy in the hands of One who loves me. The struggle for control snuck up on me. Last fall, I trusted Him deeply with my dad's health. I trusted Him because I absolutely had no control over what was happening, and I knew that He did. But what I deeply hoped for didn't happen, and without realizing it, I started believing a lie that the desires of my heart weren't safe in His hands; I could do better, I could keep them safe myself. I have felt God's peace and presence, but haven't been allowing myself to feel His compassion, to feel the way His heart was breaking for me, even as He delighted to welcome my father home. Without realizing it, I convinced myself He wasn't worthy of my trust. But this morning I was flooded with the realization of His understanding, of His aching on my behalf and of His desperation to have me put things back in their right place.

Remind me of your great Love, oh God. Remind me of your extravagant plans for redemption-- that you see the way this is coming together, and the failings of this broken world will not be the finale. Remind by turning my gaze toward the places where you have already woven blessing and flourishing out of my pain and confusion and help me to believe that I am safe in the hands of the Master Craftsman, Creator of all things good and beautiful. I do not want the illusion or burden of putting things in their place. You have called me to humble submission, to rest and confidence in you. Help me to live there, where things are in right order.