In The Chronicles of Narnia, there's a point where Eustis' selfish ambition turns him into a dragon. In order to become a boy again, Aslan the Lion has to dig his sharp claws deep into Eustis' scaly flesh and rip it away over and over again until Eustis is a boy again with soft, tender flesh.

In July two years ago, the Lord began stripping away dreams that were not His. If nothing else, I was at least able to acknowledge this as God's work in my life, but it didn't feel like His goodness, and I resisted. The following April, another strip was torn away, and then another, and then another. A year ago I wrote a prayer on this blog, "There is so little I know about what is coming next, but I pray that instead of feeling anxious or worried about it, that I would celebrate it, that I would be joyful to be at the mercy of Your plans because I know Your plans are good." As I prayed, I believed that the dreams that were being taken away would be replaced.

However, the past year has been filled with more paring away of my dreams and my plans, and I think I am finally at the point of total surrender. I realize now that the tearing away of dry scales isn't a process to replace them with something else, it's a process to find the flesh underneath. This doesn't mean I won't have dreams, it doesn't mean the Lord wont lay beautiful plans for my life, it doesn't mean I am not hopeful or expectant; it means my hope is not in the return of plans, but the presence of the Lord. It means I have faith that the Lord will use me because He makes all things come together for His Kingdom, not because I have an earthly need to be productive but because I will be most useful for the Kingdom when I have no plans but waiting at the throne.

For the past two years, I have tried to embrace the closing of doors, but have pleaded with the Lord to open the right one, and I think the entire time I have been wandering around the throne room distracted by dirty windows and ignoring the magnificence of the King. I will no longer seek dreams, but seek the Lord. I will no longer pray for new ambitions, but will chase after the feet of Jesus just to be where He's working.

All along, Lord, I have imagined this process of stripping away as something painful, but have bared it in hopes that better things would replace them. I resisted and protested, but now I lean in to it knowing that it is not about replacing what is removed, but about removing what is unnecessary. I surrender now. Strip away everything else until there is nothing for me but to worship you.